We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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