i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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