I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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