my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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