its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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