"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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