you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
