i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
