Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
