After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
