I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
My feet surprised me
Randomize
