omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
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ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
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Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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