No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
