btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
