i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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