im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
