Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
You left your phone here
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