Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
