An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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