I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
