I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
