just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
