I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
