I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
