you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
