chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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