he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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