you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
