I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I need a beard to bite.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
