i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
