My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
