I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
