Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
