her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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