Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
