Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
