Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
