It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
