One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
