Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Randomize
