Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
