new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
