Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
