Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
ugly people sure do ruin things
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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