True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Dignity is for republicans.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
