I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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