Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
