Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
