i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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