I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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