I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
