Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
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