you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
